


What means to you, what means to me

by n0luv



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: AU, Artist Luther Hargreeves, Dead Luther Hargreeves, Disabled Luther Hargreeves, F/F, F/M, Gen, Hurt Luther Hargreeves, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, M/M, Other, Poet Luther Hargreeves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25817710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n0luv/pseuds/n0luv
Summary: When Luther Hargreeves is 18, he remembers a conversation he had with his father, when he was 14.“I guess I was just lucky, right, D—sir.”“There is no such thing as luck, Number One. Only competence and incompetence. Do not mention such delusional concepts to me again. Do you understand?”“Yes, sir.”Luther doesn’t mention it again, but likes to think that he and his siblings have a fair share of luck on their side.Luther doesn’t think that anymore, when he is 22, after he sees his paralyzed body be lowered six feet under.
Relationships: Luther Hargreeves & The Hargreeves, The hargreeves - Relationship
Comments: 9
Kudos: 53





	1. march was a spring month(the last time i was alive)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Broken Toys](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23484940) by [Yessica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yessica/pseuds/Yessica). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I have a boatload of books to write but I couldn’t resist this one! Hope you enjoy!

**Chapter Zero: March Was A Spring Month(The Last Time I Was Alive)**

* * *

Luther Hargreeves was born on October 1st, 1989, like his six other siblings and 36 unknown children around the globe.

Luther Hargreeves cracked his spinal cord on April 14th, 2008. 

Luther Hargreeves is left paralyzed from the hip down, before dying an unfortunate death on a freezing November 7th, 2011. 

Luther Hargreeves doesn’t play well with luck. His father tells him there is no such thing as luck, just competence and incompetence. Luther thinks thats bullshit, since he died because he just didn’t play well with luck. 

Luther Hargreeves haunts the Hargreeves Mansion until 2019. He could’ve met his brother Klaus; a man with the ability to commune with the dead, but realized he didn’t _know_ where his brother went after moving out. Thats what he got for not keeping in contact. 

Fortunately and just as well unfortunately, Reginald Hargreeves died on April 22nd, 2019. That meant his siblings were coming home. Luther hopes Klaus isn’t high for the funeral. 


	2. i feel like im losing you(oh, how could that be true)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta, sorry if there’s any grammer errors!

  
Luther and death were a funny combination.

They had a relationship that dated back before he could even balance himself on two feet. His mother wasn’t expecting him, of course. And she even considered just killing him right there and be done with it.

Though, she’s got to be thankful for it; a million dollars just for little Luther. Luther encountered brief brushes with death all throughout his life. On missions, at home.

With his own hands. 

Luther’s closest encounter with death was when he cracked the bottom of his spine. But, he pulled through. Luther, during the three years prior to his actual death, toyed with the idea of it. Couldn’t be so bad, could it? Ben was dead, and Five was presumably dead as well. He wondered if he could see his brothers then. 

Luther had many times his life flashed before his eyes, even when he barely had any years of being alive to flash before them, but he never registered that being _dead_ could also result in another stage of the world ahead of him. 

He was a _ghost_. 

Like, the things his brother saw everyday. The things his brother screamed and cried about, took _drugs_ for. But he didn’t look that frightening. What he saw of himself, of course. He was the same as before he died; thin, fragile, arms and hands, depleted muscle on his legs, blue eyes and a gaunt face. Maybe he looked worse to someone who could actually see him. 

Luther’s family was a touchy subject. They all moved out at the chance they could. Luther wishes he took that chance. But it passed him by. Got him landed with another mission. A mission that left him crippled and stuck at home. It ended with Luther being dead. Luther thought about a lot of things while he was dead. 

He thought about himself for a good year. Then other things. His family. The mission that left him, well, like this. His death. He didn’t remember much of that one. Far too foggy. He figures he wasn’t in the right state when it happened. Although, nobody could be in the right state of mind when they’re about to die. Death took people in many forms. Fast, slow. Painful, easy. Conscious, unconscious. Death was universal.

Luther didn’t know what his was like.

He also thought of Allison.

Much like death, Allison and Luther had a dated, complicated, history. They stuck together when they were children. Their father’s obedient, prized, possessions. The few of their siblings who complied with what they were commanded. Luther supposes Allison had a crush on him, back then. She kissed him, too. Luther kissed back. She enjoyed it. He did too. Or, he atleast tried to pretend he did. 

Luther didn’t really clue into what love _really_ was. When he went out, he knew love between family was sweet. Warm like a hug. Made you feel safe and sound. Luther didn’t think that was what happened in the Hargreeves Household. Luther and his six siblings all yearned for the chance to be normal, like having real names.

Kissing your brother didn’t feel normal. Luther supposes thats why he didn’t enjoy it as much as Allison did. But what was normal was wanting love. Luther also supposes that Allison just wanted someone to love her, when she kissed him. It was good that she moved out and married Patrick.

He was someone who was an external entity. Someone who lived outside of their bounds. Outside of the shackles of the name Hargreeves. As much as Luther wanted to make his sister and family happy, he couldn’t give that to her. Not when he didn’t feel any of it. Not when he was clamped down by the Hargreeves walls.

He couldn’t, anymore, though. He was dead. 

* * *

“Oh, I didn’t think you were coming..” Allison trails off, “But I’m glad you’re here now.” The two exchange an awkward hug. Luther lay back in the living room, watching his two sister reunite. They both seemed to want to speak, “No, uh, what were you going to say?” Vanya nods, “I didn’t think Dad got this bad,” She gestured to the awkwardly shaped railway on the stairs. “I didn’t either, but Dad was getting old, I guess.” The two nod and the silence returned once more. Luther snorts.

His siblings bided their time before they all piled into the living room. It wasn’t pleasant, to say the least. “Alright, seriously where the hell is Luther?” Allison speaks out, “Maybe he’s moved on. Didn’t even want to come to the funeral.” Allison sputters, “N—No, that, that wouldn’t be, like, even, possible! He loved dad. Seriously.” Luther eyes his siblings curiously. 

Clipped steps made their way over. It was Pogo. “I regret to inform you that.. Master Luther has been missing for eight years.” That stunned them into silence. Diego turns, “Mis-is-ing?” Pogo leans his head down solemnly, “Young Master Luther was paralyzed from the hip down in 2008, then promptly went missing in 2011, after an outing to the park.” 

Luther stretches, speaking out to whoever, (he hopes Klaus is sober,) “Well, that was a nice way to break the news.” Klaus made his way over from the bar, “What’s this about Lulu?” He sat on the edge of the couch. Allison rubbed her temples frustratedly, “Pogo told us that, Luther, well, went missing.. eight years ago.” Vanya mumbles, “We were wrong about who the railway was for..” Luther walked over to Klaus, waving hands infront of him. “Hello? You sober? Or, you know, sober enough to see me?” He’s practically shaking his brother. 

“Klaus, can you see him anywhere? Anywhere at all?” Diego says, while Allison cries out incredulously, “Are you suspecting he’s dead?!” Diego bit back, “Well, do you have any better ideas? We haven’t seen him or eachother in the past decade! He hasn’t contacted us at all! And now we get the news he’s missing?!”

Allison pulls her head into her hands as Vanya and Luther watch the heated exchange. As kids, Allison and Diego didn’t fight much, since Allison had to be the mediator between Luther and Diego. “Hate to break it to you guys, but I’m not.. really in the right, you know, headspace..” Allison sighs, “You’re high?” Klaus nods, “Yes! Yes, she gets it!” He says, turning to mid air. He hisses at it.

Diego grinds his teeth. Luther’s sitting on the floor, watching his siblings, before Vanya speaks. “Why, why did Dad never tell us?” Shes turning to the three of her remaining siblings. Allison shrugs. “Because even though Luther was his precious Number One, if he was missing it wasn’t of his concern.” Diego says bitterly.

Luther lays on the rug. He wishes he could feel the roughness of it again. Ghosts don’t sleep, so Luther guesses closing his eyes is the closest alternative. . . .

* * *

_Being in a wheelchair got some getting used to. After all, he’s been using his legs all his life; running, walking, stretching. He stayed in the mansion after the accident. Couldn’t do missions anymore, after all._

_Nineteen year old Luther got hit with the cold hard facts._

_He couldn’t do anything anymore. His whole body was needed to do missions. His whole identity was based on being a_ hero. _Being leader, striving for his fathers love and approval._

_So what do you do when you can’t be a hero anymore? What do you do when everyones left and you’ve got no one to lead because they’ve all snapped out of it earlier than you? What do you do when you finally get it but you’re trapped in your own home because, seriously, leaving would be Luthers worst and last option._

_He’d never lived on his own before. Never payed bills, taxes. Never got a job. Never got any friends. This is what leads to Luther’s long awaited epiphany, he is not loved, will never get any love from his father, and won’t leave the house soon enough to experience it. _

_Luther doesn’t think death would be so bad, after all. During missions, getting hurt or not protecting his siblings_ from _getting hurt was worse than death. Mortal sin. But it didn’t feel so bad anymore. To die._

_When he was young, Luther thought, you’ve got to be the leader. You have to set an example. Don’t cry. Don’t get hurt. Lead fearlessly even when you’re heart drops into your stomach when one of your siblings gets a hit landed on them._

_Do not cry on your brother’s funeral, because you need to be a strong face of adversity and ableness to move on quicker than you want to, because you are_ Number One _._

_When everyone’s gone and done with, Luther breaks out of the Number One shell. He finds himself with hobbies other than being the leader. He enjoys writing poems. Quick notes or feelings on paper. He likes painting. Painting on canvas, on walls, on the floor, all of it. He enjoys building cardboard airplanes like when he was young._

_But it sets him back crying, wheeling around the room on the retched metal wheelchair that squeaks under his heavy weight; because he just got the wheelchair and his muscle wasn’t all gone yet. It sets him back crying and hurting because he misses his childhood, however bad it was, missing the sweet ages of childhood, because he was close with his family, closer than he would ever be now, because their father hadn’t pit them against eachother for his personal gain, yet._

_Luther realizes he is lonely and just wants to rewind it all, rewind back to when he had a choice to leave, rewind to before he was deemed leader ‘Number One’ and not give a damn about number order, because it really_ didn’t _matter._

_Luther realizes his naivety and innocence is that of a child. He realizes he didn’t grow far from his childhood. He wishes he got his wake up call earlier. He wishes that he got it under his own pretense of growth, not through the hurting ache for normalness after his accident._

_Luther realizes, his life would never be normal. Stemming from the beginning, he was destined for a fate not normal at all. Luther sniffs. The tears stopped coming. He wheeled his way out of the room, bumping into his dresser quite a few times and once a wall._

_Luther wants to be normal. They all did, but he guesses he’d never get what he wishes for, because look where wishing got him landed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it wasn’t too odd that I paralleled Luther and Allison’s relationship with death.
> 
> This chapter had me sniffling quite a bit.


End file.
